Capgras Syndrome : Forgetting VIPs in your Life.

Have you ever had the feeling that the friend you have known for ages may not be the one who's standing in front of you?

Weird, right? you are pretty sure the person is not your friend, and yet everyone is telling you that he or she is.

Before you start debating with everyone else and insists on your thoughts, let me tell you about a certain theory that had caught my attention these past few days -- CAPGRAS DELUSION THEORY or the Capgras Syndrom

The syndrome is a disorder in which a certain person believes that a friend or a relative has been replaced by an identical-looking impostor. This is classified under the delusional misidentification syndrome, a certain kind of delusional beliefs that involves misidentification of people, places or objects. It may be acute, transient or chronic. 

This is commonly seen in patients diagnosed with schizophrenia, although it can also occur with brain injury and dementia. 


One of the earliest study regarding the cause of Capgras Delusion suggested that prospagnosia may be have caused it as shown by the study of brain-injury patients. In this condition, the patient cannot recognize faces consciously but are able to recognize other types of visual objects. 


Recent studies shows that although these patients can consciously recognize the faces, they do not show the usual autonomic emotional arousal response (Ellis, 1997). Further, patients can still feel emotions and recognize familiar faces but can't feel emotions when recognizing those faces which are familiar to him. The study states a hypothesis that the origin of Capgras syndrome is the disconnection between the temporal lobe (part of the brain in charge in the recognition of faces) and the limbic system (emotions).


Since the patient could not put memories and feelings, he believed objects in a photograph are new everytime he sees it, though they normally should have triggered feelings (Ramachandran).
 

Appendectomy Marathon

appendix attached to a straight clamp and a bobcock forcep with the first knife 

used to cut the specimen

Appendectomy is one of the most frequent operations we have in our operating room. It is a cross between a minor and a major operation.The best surgeons can perform this kind of procedure at an average time of fifteen minutes, some appendectomy can last up to an hour or two, excluding the induction of anesthesia. 


This is one of my most favorite operations (depending on the surgeon, actually) because it is very basic. Things needed beside the major basic set is a baby richardson retractor and some basic sutures. One simple basic thing to remember about appendectomy: THIS IS A PROCEDURE WHERE YOU USE THE FIRST KNIFE AFTER THE SKIN. You usually keep the first knife away from your field since it is considered as dirty. But in AP cases, we use the first knife to cut the appendix. Most of the surgeons preferred staples to close the operating site. Usually it's a small site at the right lower quadrant often referred to as McBurney's Point. 


What is Appendectomy?
Appendectomy or sometimes referred to as appendisectomy or appendicectomy is the surgical removal of the veniform appendix. This kind of surgery is normally done as an emergency procedure when the patient is suffering from acute appendicitis. 


Appendicitis
Appendicitis is the inflammation of the appendix, how do you know? Here are the list of the signs and symptoms to know if you're suffering from one:

• You can feel pain that often begins around your navel and transfers to your lower right adbomen
• The pain becomes more intense after several hours
• You can feel tenderness when you apply pressure to your lower right abdomen
• A sharp pain is felt in your right lower abdomen when the area is being pressed and the pressure is quickly released. This is referred to as rebound tenderness.
• Nausea and vomiting
• Low-grade fever

Just  remember not to drink any pain-relieving medications if you are experiencing these things because it will mask the symptoms and can delay treatment.

the arrangement of the major basic set in the mayo table. 

There are 3 Types of Incision that Surgeons often do in the hospital where I worked for:

1.    Rocky-Davis incision. This is a small incision that extend horizontally on the abdominal wall in the right lower quadrant

2.    McBurney incision. This is a small incision that runs diagonally on the abdominal wall in the right lower quadrant

3.    Midline incision- this is sometimes done if the appendix has already ruptured, they could not find the appendix, they needed a resection or for children

the back table, while the nurse is preparing for the operation. This is where we put the gown, gloves, operating sponge, drapes and the lap tray.

 

 

the mayo table (top view): army navy, thumb forceps, tissue forceps, clamps: hemostats, straight clamps, round nose, allis forceps, kochers straight, mixters,scalpel, metz, suture scissor, mayo scissors

But I hate an AP marathon. There was this one time when I was the only night duty scrub nurse and we needed to finish 4 appendectomy. I came from an 8 hour PM shift and when straight for another 8 hours. After we had the specimen out from one patient, another patient is being prepared to be wheeled in inside the operating room. I barely had time to breathe! It was a bitter sweet experience. Thank God I am with the best surgical team in the hospital :D

VP SHUNTING: ALL ALONE!

VP Shunting all by myself and I survived!

I thought all the while that my fellow nurses are just teasing me --- but no. It was written on our whiteboard. An emergency VP shunting or Ventriculoperitoneal shunting. There is only one neuro-surgeon that graces our operating room and he goes by the name Dr. ♥. Although there was an eerie space on the surgeon's name, you'd be a dimwit to ask if he'd be the one to do it.

My friends had already choose cases to scrub and according to them - seniors are the one who are in charge of scrubbing cases such as these (in short, when it comes to hard cases, seniors first. if easy cases, juniors first). I already felt an impending migraine. Ok! I have assisted several cranio (but if i have any other choice, I'd rather not). I always felt like a newbie every time I stand up on that white platform I fondly call 'stage'. I really don't know why I feel so nervous and uncomfortable (but never to the point of hyperventilation) -- maybe because it is Dr. ♥'s aura? I am almost in a trance.

Why I am making a big deal out of it? :D Primarily because, there would normally be two people scrubbing for VP shunting or any craniotomy procedure. I find it so funny because we would prepare for like two hours and the procedure will just last less than an hour. Back to the two scrub nurses,

the first scrubber is assigned in the two mayo tables where the skin instruments and the bone instruments are placed and the second scrubber is at the back table where the sponges, bowls, cottonoids, bone wax, gelfoam and the rest of the set are being placed. Since I am the only one who is scrubbing this awful procedure, I have readied all my instruments and stuffs double time. 

VP Shunting is normally done to children who are suffering from hydrocephalus. But this time - the operation is done to an adult. Did the patient have a hydrocephalus as well? What is VP Shunting?

Ventriculoperitoneal shunting is a surgery done to relieve the increasing pressure inside the skull due to excessive cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) on the brain.

Done under general anesthesia, the procedure may take about 1 to 1 ½ hour depending on the surgeon. The hair is shaved off and a surgical cut shaped after a horseshoe (U-shape) is done behind the ear. Another cut is done in the abdominal area (that is why the VP Shunting drape has a hole than the adult lap).

A small hole is drilled in the skull using the cranial burrs (we only have three ‘useable’ burrs in our hospital). A small thin tube called catheter is passed into a ventricle in the brain and another is placed under the skin behind the ear and moved down the neck, past the chest and usually into the peritoneal cavity in the abdomen. The doctors sometimes make a small cut in the neck to help position the catheter.

A fluid pump or valve is placed under the skin behind the ear. This is attached to both catheters. When extra pressure builds up around the brain, the valve would open and excess fluid drains out of it into the abdomen. This action helps in decreasing intracranial pressure.

Valves in recent shunts can be program to drain exact fluid from the brain.

Causes of Hydrocephalus in Adults:

• meningitis, 
• tumors, 
• traumatic head injury, 
• subarachnoid hemorrhage, 

The NEURO SET

 NEURO SKIN INSTRUMENTS: Three bowls, towel clips, mosquitoes, straight clamps, kelly curves, allis forcep, dandy forcep, blade holders, suture scissors, needle holders, metz, tissue forceps, thumb forcep, adson forcep

 This is the only new one in the neuro set SKIN INSTRUMENTS, this is the dandy forcep

  NEURO BONE INSTRUMENTS: Cranial burrs, periosteal elevator, gigli saw, Rongeurs, bone curette, malleables,

Periosteal Elevators are used to strip portions of the membrane (periosteum) covering the exterior surface of a bone. Periosteal Elevators are used for trauma, spinal and other bone and soft tissue procedures. 

Rongeurs are surgical instruments which are designed to chip, crack, or cut away bone and tough tissue such as cartilage.

Bone Curette is a surgical instrument shaped like a scoop or spoon, used to remove tissue or growths from a body cavity.

Dura Separator
 

 a cranial burr: perforator, Dr. ♥ used this instrument to make a whole in the skull.This is the first among the three available burrs that he used.

Just came straight from SUGBU!

Beautiful Butterfly found at Jumalon's Butterfly Sanctuary in Cebu City

Will post some of my travel memoirs s00n :)

MAJOR BASIC SET (OPERATING ROOM INSTRUMENTS)

In our hospital, we often use the major basic set in major operations most especially during abdominal procedures. It is primarily composed of clamps, forceps and scissors. Two bowls accompany our set and retractors are added if they are need during the operation.

5 kochers straight, 5 bobcock,5 allis, 5 round nose, 5 straight clamp, 10 hemostats, 5 towel clips

Kocher (Ochsner). Used to grasp heave tissue and can be also used as a clamp. Its jaw can be straight or curve, we also utilize this to hold a peanut.

Bobcock forcep. Utilized to grasp delicate tissue such as intestine, fallopian tube, ovary, appendix, also available in long sizes

Allis Forcep. Used to grasp tissue and is available also in long sizes.

Round Nose (kelly curve). Use to clamp larger tissues or vessels.
 
Hemostat (snap/curve/straight). Use to clamp blood vessels or tag sutures. It may be straight or curve

Backhaus towel clip. Used to hold drapes, most especially towels in place

The sharps (16): tumbler, pool suction, long thumb, 2 tissue forcep, 2 thumb forcep, army navy, 2 blade holders #4, metz,mayo, 2 suture scissors, 2 needle holders

Thumb Forceps. They looked like tweezers. They are tapered and have serrations or grooves at the tip. They can be short or long, straight or bayonet (angled), and delicate or heavy

Toothed Forceps. Unlike the thumb forceps with serrations, they have row of multiple teeth at the top or single tooth on one side that fits between the two teeth on the other side. This kind of forceps provide a strong hold on tough tissues, most especially the skin.

Army Navy Retractor (also called right angle retractor/US Army retractor). Use to retract superficial or shallow incision.

Blade 4 (for Blades Size 20 and above). Use to cut the skin

Suture Scissor. Use to cut suture and supplies

Mayo Scissors (curve). Use to cut heavy tissues such as fascia, muscle, uterus, breast)
- we often use this during OB-Gyne Procedure

Metzenbaum Scisoors (Metz). Utilized to cut delicate tissues

An OR nurse...

 

• Is a competent dishwasher (figuratively that is). The betadine scrub and paint could make your hands so dry, you wish you have not put any lotion on before going on duty. Instruments are being washed immediately after every case (except for those with infectious disease: the instruments are being soaked).
•  Is a highly-paid factory worker. We are making cherries, prep balls, operative sponges & peanuts are made MANUALLY! Basically if we do not have anything to do, we sit down and fold.
• Is an expensively-educated janitor. We are cleaning both the patient and the room each and after operation. We are having the so-called DO DAY, rubbing every part of the operating room clean, just to make sure that the rooms are free from microorganism that can cause infection
• Has strong bladder control. A whole shift operation could make your urge to void disappear. One can only wish that someone would attach a catheter and relieve a full bladder.
• Comes to work in a full stomach. You’ll never know what waits for you when you arrive in the operating room. It might be a minor operation which could last in about 30 minutes or an exploratory laparotomy that could last the whole shift.
• Is Ambivalent about caffeine. It can be both an enemy and a friend. An enemy because it is a diuretic and nature may call while the doctor is asking for hemostat. A friend because it can keep you awake the whole night.   
• Is great with gift-wrapping. They can wrap an instrument or linens in a record's time. It is what we do ALMOST the whole afternoon shift.

I used to believe that being an OR nurse would really be a simple task. But no, when I started in the operating room, I find the job less boring and more challenging. The stress level could surge up anytime especially when the patient and the doctor gets toxic or you are too hungry to remain inside the room.The AM shift would always  have cases, afternoon shifts will have cases that the morning shift cannot accommodate and some caesarean section. The night shift? It's either an exploratory laparotomy (usually this is the kind of operation done to people who have gunshot or stab wounds), caesarean section and appendectomy. If none, the night shift can sleep the night away after the routine work inside the operating room. It's really a shame that some people would underestimate our work. They never knew what happens inside the complex, unless they get inside. Right?  .

Homecoming

Two years ago…

 

                Her eyes were almost darker than it used to be, it seemed that she haven’t had a good night sleep in six months. It was void of any emotion, lifeless. Her cheeks sunk exaggerating the weight loss that was clearly visible when she wears her usual clothes. She needed a belt for her pants to stay on its place. The old bulge in her stomach was nowhere to be found. Her face no longer has the pinkish color that she got from the sun or just from being ecstatic, all that is left is a white-pale face that needed a scourging heat from the sun. Is this me?  Anika asked herself. So this is why I worried Hannah and the rest of them.

                Yesterday, her friends visited her at home because they could not contact her. She would not pick up the phone and the mobile phone that she owned was now lying beside her bed, broken.

                “God, Niki, what in the world happened to you?” Hannah, Elizabeth and Kea arrived without preamble in her house. If only her mother did not let them in. She already told all the people in their house that she didn’t want to see everyone. “Your mother is worried to death about you.”

                “Why?”They started removing the curtains. There goes the sun ray she was talking about. Blinding her in the process. How many days has it been since I saw the sun? I could not remember. “Go away.” She hissed, not welcoming the visit from her friends. She needs to be alone and miserable.

                Kea grabbed her by the shoulders, normally she would feel pain, but she did not. She was utterly numb from too much emotion. She dragged her across the room, Kea grabbed her jaw with her fingers and forced her to look at the mirror, “Look at you, Niki! Look at what you did to yourself.”

                Her visions were blurry. At first, she could not see the reflection that was forced on her. But her friends were so compelling that finally her vision took their command and it began to clear. Her jaws drop in surprise. “Yes!” Elizabeth shouted, “You look terrible!”

                “You don’t know what I have been through!” the rebuttal was weak and almost accepted defeat.

                Hannah went in front of her, grasped her shoulders tightly and shook the hell out of her, “We knew! We knew! We are not stupid. You think we believe you when you told us you left him? We told you he’s bad news!! And you never listened.”

                “Just leave me alone.” she screamed at them, and then the least expected happened, a palm went across her face. It was so hard that she finally felt pain. Tears came falling from her eyes, not because she could feel the sting that was still in her cheeks, but because finally that was a wakeup call that she desperately needed.

                “You are miserable, Niki! Look at that girl in the mirror! That is not you! So what if he stole away all that you have? What if he broke you into pieces? Don’t let him win, Niki. Please. We are here for you. You have a bright future. You will survive this just like any other problems that have come your way. Don’t ruin your life at his expense.” If it had been any other day she would laugh at Elizabeth for being so melodramatic and for the award-winning monologue that she gave her. But not this time, the words that Elizabeth said and the hug that her friends gave her was all she needed.

                Anika once again stared at the stranger’s face on the mirror. It was not her. The stranger in front of her is empty. Her eyes did not blaze with joy, nor did her lips not have enough energy for a smile. Her eyes were blank and deep. She shook her head and tried to wash away the memory. She must not think of stuffs that would make her more miserable. She promised her friends. She would do anything to make her old self back, she would start with thinking all the positive things that there could be. Just like the old Niki.

You are going to survive this, Niki. It has been Elizabeth’s words that had been her mantra since yesterday. The moment she went out her room, everything changed. Her friends went grocery and forced her to eat something. They did not leave until she almost feel her food was on her throat warning her that one more and everything will have to go out.

Her mother was so happy that at last her daughter went out of seclusion after almost six months. Probably she was afraid that her only daughter would become a hermit in the city. The thing with her mother was another propeller that drove her to do things that her whole life she would not dare to do. Leave home.

 

He wanted to become a cook.

And his family wanted him to become a doctor. Just like the rest of them – his father (an orthopedic surgeon), his mother (an OB-GYNE Oncologist) and his sister (a cardiologist). Yes, they are the Buena familia.

Who on earth would understand that someone, within the perfect intellectual family would rather dice a tomato than slice a person?

So he became one of them, after a one big mishap before his graduation from medical school (which his mother hasn’t forgiven him yet and his father never spoke of).

The moment he got his credentials, he walked out of their house and into a place away from everyone. He hated the pressure that was on his shoulders. He is not perfect, everyone is. It is just not fair that every eye were on him, waiting for him to fail. That day before the graduation, those people had the holiday of their lives – they feasted like there was no tomorrow.

Although he apologized to the people that should be given apology, he showed no remorse to the other people around him. He didn’t owe anyone of them an explanation and he didn’t want to boost their egos so he went around as if nothing dreadful happened. His mother never recovered from her disappointment and his father, oh well, he did not comment. Although it would take so much more to erase the guilt feelings that he felt the moment his father didn’t reprimand him.

He is away from home, self-supporting himself and doing a good job being a surgical resident in one of the most prestigious hospital in this city.

His life was never been peaceful.

Until he saw her. AGAIN.

 

                Oh God. It was a sort of prayer, asking Him for guidance in this new place.

               

                A week after she ‘regain’ her composure, she asked her mom if she could leave the house and find work somewhere. At first, her mother hesitated. But then, she agreed. She probably realized that she needed to get away from the things that were unhealthy to redeem her old daughter back.

                Niki didn’t want to leave home. Yet, she knew she needed this. She needed to escape and find herself – away from the places those painful memories would haunt her.

                She has been into this city when she was a child. It did not occur to her from then that she would have to settle in this place. The city, unlike it used to be, is more crowded and dangerous. There were many infrastructures that reminded tourist how prosperous this place is.  She already took the liberty of finding a dorm through the internet back home, so the moment she arrived via the small airplane that was run by two big fan-like structures, she knew where to go.

                The place was modest, and it was a 10-minute ride to the hospital which she is planning to apply. The luggage that she packed was enough to assure her mother that she will still be going back home- just not that soon.

                “It is so petty, Anika. Why couldn’t you understand?” Pierre’s voice echoed inside his car. He was driving his gray Toyota along the highway. He was mad, she could tell it. She had once again provoked him into raising his voice. She didn’t care though. She had enough.

                “I could not understand! Why couldn’t we go there?” she was talking about her favorite restaurant in the whole world. There were a lot of times she invited him there, just to try the food and enjoy his company. He always promised ‘next time’, then days came to weeks, and weeks to months – nothing happened. All of it was an empty promise for her not to nag about.

                She knew why he could not bear to step on that restaurant. It was not about the food or any of his lame excuses – it was about his ex, who lives on one of the condominium units above the restaurant.

                “Don’t even try to go there.” He was warning her not to resolve to their usual fights about the place. “How many times do I have to tell you that Mikaela and I are already over?”

                “Then why can’t we go there?”

                “We can!”

                “When?”

                No answer. That was always the scenario every time she had this crazy urge to go to that place. Anika wanted Pierre to prove to her that he is over Mikaela. She wanted to go to that place with him, as a couple --- but, in the twenty four months they are together, they never step foot in her favorite restaurant. Not even for her birthday.

                STOP. Anika tried to block her thoughts. She should not be thinking about Pierre. She should not be thinking about the reason why she needs to move away from home.

                An irony how intelligent people turned imbeciles when it comes to emotion. They would debate inside the classroom and win their way. Yet, in love, they are amateurs trying so hard to please the one they love and rationalizing every single mistake that they do.

 

                Is that Anika? His heart’s thumping grew louder that he could not hear what the nurse was telling him about the patient, because all he could see was her. Or is he just hallucinating because he hasn’t had any decent sleep for like 72 hours?

                “Her name is Anika. She’s our new trainee.” The head nurse, who was his godmother, offered the information.

                It’s her! He couldn’t help ogling at her that other nurses started to notice it as well. The new nurse who was busy transcribing orders as part of her training was being stared at by the most eligible bachelor in the whole medical center.

                He saw his ninang went to the girl and was now walking towards him, “I want you to meet someone.” He heard the old lady told her.

                “Hm?”

                “The next chief resident for surgery, Dr. Nikolai Emrick Castillo. This is Anika, our new nurse.”

“Nice meeting you, doc.” she responded perfunctorily without looking at him.

“We have met before.”

That caught Anika’s attention, she looked at the doctor and stared at him. “We have?” she was thinking fast where did she met him, but she could not remember. “Have we been introduced?”

“Yes, about three to four times?” and a hundred more in my dreams. Nikolai was so disappointed. Why is it that when it comes to this girl, he becomes forgettable? They have been introduced a couple of times. Not just once or twice, and still when they meet each other in the corridors in the hospital where he conducted his internship, he would always sense that she couldn’t remember him, or probably she was saying : the guy looks familiar. San ko nga to nakita?

Déjà vu, he suddenly remembered an incident inside the operating room exactly like this one!

They were operating some patient, when suddenly Anika came into the room. When he looked at his residents they were all mocking him with their eyes. He knew they were already grinning ear to ear even with their masks on. It was only last night when they saw that picture on his cell phone. He has been holding his mobile phone to himself until he fell asleep and his phone had kept on ringing. One of the residents took hold of it, answered it for him and saw the wall paper of his phone.

                It was a picture of him, inside the operating room, when he was still an anesthesia intern. He was standing close behind Anika (who was then the scrub nurse) pretending to look at the field. Since then, his residents had been teasing him violently.

                “Aba, may lihim pala na pagnanasa si Nikolai kay Ma’am Niki.” The chief said staring at his phone.

                He stared helplessly at his phone, if only he was not that stupid to make it as his wallpaper. It would have saved him from all hullabaloos.

                “The question is, does she know you exist?”

                When he didn’t answer, laughter erupted that almost shook the surgical office.

Basically that was his main problem, while other people recognize who he was either because of his good looks or he’s the son of his parents, the girl seemed really do not recognize or took interest in getting to know him. That is just awful.

Looking at her, she got this gaze that tells him she asking herself if when and where did she meet him? Just too awful.

 

Nikolai and Anika, they were virtually strangers not until that fateful night. Everyone was having a lot of fun. The music was great, the food was superb and the drinks – alcoholic and non-alcoholic were overflowing. Who would think that people who were drunk tonight are professional doctors and nurses in a prestigious hospital? Ok, they are a bunch of human being with human needs who do human deeds when they have ingested alcohol or when they think that nobody’s watching them. Right now, they had the whole resort close for themselves; it was Lizzie’s birthday, one of the post graduate intern in the hospital.

It bored Anika. She wanted to go home and get a good night sleep. She just came from a 16-hour shift and if not for the well-rehearsed emotional blackmail, there was no way she was going here. She and Lizzie had been friends since diaper years and she knew how disappointed her friend will be if she can’t see her butt here.

In her white uniform, she rode a taxi to the beach resort and changed into her beach attire the moment she reached the cottage that was assigned solely for her. Her feet were as heavy as anvil- it was 500 years before she was able to reach the birthday girl and her friends, “Happy birthday, Liz.” Her friend offered her cheeks.

                “I’m so glad you came, Niki. Now go and enjoy yourself. I’ll find you later!”

                JESUS! If Niki knew half of the hospital was there, she would not have come. She was too sure that  Lizzie wouldn’t even miss her with all these people.

                She went to the table and took a bottle of beer and went on her way to the beach. She needed to be alone. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to cry alone.

                MISERY.

                They had a big fight a couple of days ago. She was not in the mood to talk to someone, especially to him. I will never, ever go back to you, Pierre. I will kill myself the moment I will come back to you. And true to her word, she did not. But knowing herself, and knowing her boyfriend, another day or two and he will come to her, begging for forgiveness. And there she is, the one who promises never again, would take him in her arms and forgive. The BATTERED-WIFE SYNDROME, her friends would refer to her as that. Yet, sometimes, she felt that it was less painful to accept a slap rather than words that hit the core.

                Taking that bottle of beer with her, she went to the beach front and sat. It has been what? Six months, she had been so despondent. Her unhappiness was the result of her being attached to a person that had nothing in mind but himself.

                “Hi.”

                Oh great. An unwanted company, “Yes?” She didn’t even bother to look at the one who just arrived, just so he would know that she really needed to be alone right now.

                He sat right beside her, “You don’t like crowds?”

                “No. Not right now anyway.”

                The guy chuckled, “Is that your way of telling me to buzz off?”

                She laughed, the guy finally got her attention. “Do I know you?”

                “I don’t know. Do you?”

                Anika stared at him, trying to gauge the fact that he really looks familiar but she could not remember where she met him.

                “I gather you can’t remember.”

                She smiled, “You read minds. I can’t remember.” Anika confessed honestly.

                He then placed his palms on his chest pretending to have a heart attack, “Ouch, that hurts.”

                “Maybe you could remind me then. Tell me, stranger: where did we meet?”

                “We’ve met in my dreams.”

                Niki almost choked the beer that she was drinking – she can’t help but laughed. “Now, that is a good punch line. You must be really, really good.” It has been days since she felt a little better. It seem that being happy these past few months in her life had been so scant that she could not remember any moment of it. Her life was dull, dreadful and full of tears. She swears she would have her lacrimal ducts surgically removed one day.

                “You’re sad again.” he noticed, “Care to share? They say it’s always better to share your problems with strangers.”

                “But you said so yourself, we are not strangers. We have met in your dreams…”

                It was his time to laugh, “It’s quite awful to have your words turned against you.”

                She stared at him as he laughed, it was disconcerting how this guy had made her feel way better than anyone else. He must have felt she was staring at him, he stopped laughing at once and looked at her. His eyes… they were shades of gray. They were the most beautiful pair of eyes she had ever seen. The mere stare had her hypnotized in a dizzying spell that was far beyond propriety. His eyes were kind at the same time enticing. His eyes speaks of his good nature and a promise of something beyond delightful.

                Arrghh. Perhaps her brain had fully been submerged in alcohol that she couldn’t think straight. “You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.” Yes, blame it to the central nervous system depressant that lower her inhibitory systems.

                He offered her a smile that could make a girl’s knees melt in a second, leaned closer and whispered, “And you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on.”

                Warning bells alarmed at a distant, so distant that she could hardly hear it. It was her, all caution aside, who met him halfway and brushed her lips lightly across his.

 

                Nikolai must belong to the sensory part of her brain where after a few seconds, there is not a trace of her memory of him in there. Poor him, and he thought memories of him are indispensible. He first saw her in his school when he was taking his pre-med. They were on the same school, with some common friends but have not been formally introduced. She had awed him with her wit and camaraderie with strangers. The girl could actually form bonds within minutes and was able to befriend difficult people. At that time of his life, he was sure he found someone. THE SOMEONE.

                What happened after that? Why HIS SOMEONE didn’t become his girlfriend like a normal phenomena should happened? Well, primarily because he was saving her for last (yeah, right). She transferred to another school at it was not until med school when he saw her again. A couple of times actually, the first time is the beach incident. He was taken aback by what he saw. The old Anika, who was happy about anything, is gone. He saw a stranger with the same familiar face and an unfamiliar air of melancholia surrounding her.

                When she turned him away, he didn’t flinch. He understood her desperation for solitude that he decided to put his pacute schemes at one side and just leave.

                They have met again. In a familiar environment in an unfamiliar place to the both of them. Maybe this is destiny! How could he possibly lure her when his charm is not working on her? Probably he needs help, and he knows one person who could possibly help him the best way possible.

                Nikolai, opened his Facebook account and searched for someone’s profile.  Lizzie’s. He started typing:

                Dear Liz,

Just let me get to the point, I just realized three inconvertible truths: (1) I found the woman (AGAIN) I want to spend the rest of my life with (2) She doesn’t want me (FOR NOW) (3) I need your help (IMMEDIATELY). Imagine me kneeling down in front of you clutching your skirt and begging you for help. That desperate. Did I tell you her name? It’s Anika.

                Koi

He cross his fingers and mumbled a prayer before he click the sent icon below. Hoping fate would be on his side this time.

 

My dearest Koi,

My friend had been through a lot that one would wonder if she is still the Niki that we used to know. A melancholic soul had occupied her body and it would not be easy to drive away.

Please be certain that you do really want her and you intend to make her happy. I’ve known for a

fact that for the past years, in your own subtle way, you have been asking about her. I had been wrong not to encourage you, perhaps I could have saved her from what she is experiencing right now. Maybe she could have been happy with you.

I always think that it is better to be with the person who loved us the most than the person we love. Our hearts would be in a safe haven and the risk of it being broken is minute.

I  love my friend Koi and I have considered you a great friend as well.

If I have not saved her then, I could probably help her now. Make her happy because you care for

her and she deserves to be. If you think you could not do so, forget all of this and go on with your life. Let her be. My friend had so much love to give, and the moment she did, it all went to waste.

I will hunt you for the rest of your life if this is just a ploy to get her into your bed, no matter how

delightful you may be.

She deserves something and so much better than what she had experience in the past.

So if you are indeed serious, here are some facts to help you win her heart:

 

Oh here he is again. Niki is not sure whether she would be annoyed or amuse with someone following her around like a stalker. They had been the talk of the station when he bought her lunch the other day.  And the following day, a delivery boy from a certain fast food was the one who handed them their lunch, as well as today’s lunch.

“Hi.” He said the moment he stood close to the station, he handed her a bouquet of stargazers and smiled sheepishly.

Her brows met, DANGER! Indeed, he is a danger to her system. He could possibly charm everyone to get what he want. “What is this for?”

“You?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you giving me flowers?” And stargazers at that. It is quite expensive, hard to find at this time of the year, totally romantic and totally WRONG.

She will be in trouble if she put meaning on his actions – after all, he never said anything, did he? No professions of love or indecent proposals of sort. They were briefly introduced by her head nurse and the next thing she knew, a free lunch was already delivered to their station. Should she just be thankful that at least those free meals could help her a little considering how low her income is? Oh geez, she sounds so mercenary.

Regardless, she was careful this time. Niki would not dare plunge into the very thing that drove her away from home.

“Are you free tonight?” he asked subtly.

It made her brow raised, now that is something. “I am not free and so as the rest of my nights. I am quite busy.”

“With what?”

“Duty!” He is annoying and irritating at the same time! Can’t he take a restrained NO for an answer? Would he rather want her to spell it out for him?

“I can wait.”

“I’ll be tired by then.”

“Perfect, I’ll drive you home.”

Oh.my.God. She saw how the other nurses were looking at them. They were staring as if she was losing her mind not entertaining the idea of him bringing her home. Well, she could ask her to bring them home if they like. She can’t actually say if she find the act amusing or annoying. Certainly, he is charming. Way beyond safety measures, his charms, if coupled with gentle persuasion could probably lead her to trouble. The way he acts as if he’s a love-sick school boy made her smile. Well, who isn’t smiling? A doctor, a son of the most prominent family back home, the future chief resident of surgery is swooning in front of her. Certainly, her hair lengthens in an instant, but then what?

Niki stared at him for quite a while, why his face looks familiar and yet she could not place him in her memory lane. And the moment he stared back at her, she gasped, she knew exactly who this guy is. Those gray eyes are too hard to miss.

 

Anika tried not to look at him again. it was quite disturbing and was terribly making her insides spasm. What in the world just happened?

She could not possibly entertain the attention of this guy who has obvious intentions of making her more than his friend. She has a lot of friends and doesn’t need another one. She had enough traumas from her past relationship to invest her emotions again. No, she would stop herself to succumb to his charms, no matter how yummy he is.

She was ready to go home after her shift, when suddenly, out of nowhere, he appeared with snacks on his hands. Perfect. Pizza. How could she probably say no to pizza? Ummm… probably when the delivery boy is as delicious and as unhealthy as the pizza itself.

                “What in the world are you doing?” she hissed.

                He grinned, “I bought you snacks. You said you’d be too tired to go out for dinner.”

                A series of oohs and ahhs were then heard from the station and if there was a fissured open right now, she would gladly jump into it and vanish from everyone’s sight.

                She sighed, “I am going home.”

                Despite the fact that the guy was too sure of himself that indeed she would say ‘yes’ to whatever he proposed, she could not bring to embarrass him in front of the nurses who are too fond of him.

                “I’ll take you home.”

                Gaaaad, can this situation be weirder than it already is? The person, the stranger whom she thought she’d never see again is standing in front of her. “I really think you should go home as well, after all, you still have a duty tomorrow.”

                “I really don’t mind.” He flashed his most enchanting smile that she hated most. It was much a temptation as his eyes. What she further hated is that he exudes an aura that he could indeed be trusted.

                “I think my landlady would not allow men inside our dormitory.” She insisted.

                “Oh, I wouldn’t go inside. I would just like to bring you home.”

                “Why?”

                “Why not?”

 

“You are not dating Doc Koi?” The question came from their head nurse, it was past six months since the kind doctor had been bringing her lunch. The endorsement suddenly stopped and everyone’s eyes were on her. Niki could feel her cheeks turned into red. Where did that came from?

“I don’t think so.” Yumi answered for her, “Although I really can’t see why you are not dating the guy who is obviously head over heels in love with you.”

And I really don’t think it’s your business. She wanted to answer but bit her tongue, after all, she don’t need any enemies right now. Why can’t she have the peace of mind that she wanted since she left home? Is it too big to ask? Somehow, she is thankful that the pain has subsided and she seldom thinks of Pierre. It was a good decision that she left the place.

“Why don’t we go out with him? Like a group date?” obviously, their head nurse was providing a clear way for the young doctor. She couldn’t find fault in that since after all, she is his godmother. Perhaps their headnurse will be the happiest if she and Koi would at least date. After almost six months, everyone who is in her shift we’re gaining weight because of the food he’d been sending her. They are probably torn between hating him and loving him. Hate him because their dress sizes increase in a short time, love him because the meal is for free.

The only thing that probably made her think twice about dating Koi, is the part that it had not been a year since she and Pierre broke up and surely another emotional investment could be fatal at the most. So not matter how tempting Koi may be, for her heart’s sake as well as Koi’s – she will not succumb to the crazy libido rush because it will likely end in a sad note that neither of them deserves.  

“You don’t like him?”

She felt her face flushed, “I didn’t say that!”

“Then you must like him then?”

What more could be entertaining than a verbal battle of logic? “I didn’t say that either.”

“He’s a catch, Niki and quite smitten with you. He’d probably jump off from the rooftop If you’d request nicely.”

A pregnant silent ruled the whole station, it made her quite uncomfortable. Okay, her colleagues have a point. Nikolai had indeed been pursuing her for more than half-a-year now. A date, with a group, wouldn’t hurt her.

“You’re not pressuring me to date the guy are you?”

The others laughed, “Some wouldn’t need a little push to date Doc koi. He’s a charmer. But you know what? He hasn’t dated anyone, nor flirted with anyone since you came.”

OK. IT HAD HER THINKING.

 

Nikolai was tired. He just came off a 12-hour case and his bladder almost burst. The perks of being a surgeon are sometimes overwhelming. He could not say no to his consultants. Most of them were old family friends, they were kind to an extent but when it comes to the operating table, during an operation that is what they termed as toxic, they forget that they are doctors and people around them have feelings. Instruments fly out of the sterile area, curses were muttered and anyone who dared to speak are being lashed. So, you have no choice if you don’t wish to be their center of attention but to shut up and wait for the whole drama to end. As for their latest drama, he had to wait for 12 hours before he got out, and he was dead tired.

Nevertheless, it didn’t stop him to go to Anika. HE WAS DESPARATE. But he didn’t show it. It was his male pride that held him intact, and he wouldn’t let the rest of the world know how desperate he is to make her love him.

The moment he reached their station, he saw her instantly in front of the mirror fixing her cap. He strode towards her lazily and leaned on the cabinet beside her. He stared at her for quite some time before she noticed him, she looked at him and raised a brow, as if asking him: WHAT?!

“Have you ever wondered…” he stopped at his suggestive remarked and looked at her seriously. As if it was a serious thought that was floating inside his brain.

Nikki rolled her eyes and continued on fixing her cap, unable to notice that most eyes were already on them. She was about to turn around when Koi stepped forward, held both her arms which made her froze. A shiver runs through her spine. This was the first time that he was able to held her in his arms.

Dear God. He smells so sinful. His scent filled her nerves with olfactory satisfaction that she almost, just ALMOST went in a trance for a moment.

“…what I look like naked?” the statement had her snapped out of the spell she was in. Did she hear him right?

“No, I’m more into the telly-tubbies and barnie thoughts.”

The people around them laughed at their verbal battle. It was almost an everyday scenario that the nurses in their station learned to love, save the free meals. It provided them with free entertainment in their boring shifts.

“They say I look like Diego.” He pointed.

She smiled at him. He didn’t look like Diego. No, she could not think of any cartoon character that could match his looks and his charms. Oh well, the only thing that would come into her mind are those doctors from Grey’s Anatomy.  Sexy, and intelligent. “You look like…”

“You’re next boyfriend?”

Niki laughed, “In your dreams?”

“What can I do to make you go out with me?”

“Ask.”

 

Nikolai loved all the nurses in her station. He had been a friend to them as they have been to him. For once, he did not know whether to thank them or hate them. Yes, he had asked her for a date, and she agreed, only if they could come as well. How could he possibly engage her in a talk of emotions if they were surrounded by friends who seem not to notice his agitation? Of course, he’s having a good time. Who wasn’t having one? All is for free. Courtesy of the gallant, Doc Nikolai. He wonders if he’d be impoverished by the end of the year.

They were in a bar owned by one of his family friends, so the entrance is already free. THANK GOODNESS. All of their companions were dancing on the dance floor, they finally left them alone. Niki was just sitting on the other edge of the table, looking at her new found friends. He decided to join her, but kept her personal space, “Are you having a good time?” he asked.

She cast him a grateful smile, “Yes. Thank you!”

Ok. What now? Should he ask her to dance? Or should he engage her in a conversation? About what? Ummm… hospital stuffs? He felt like an idiot for a moment.

“You are so transparent, Koi.” He jerked when he heard her voice out of nowhere. Did he just get lost? Wow so embarrassing. “Let me see, you want to talk to me, yet you cannot find a subject to talk about?” She faced him and rested her arms on the back of his chair, “Let’s talk about motives.”

“Motives?”

“Yes, motives.”

“What about motives?”

“You bring us lunch, give me flowers, and treat us out. If I were presumptuous, I would suggest that you are hitting on me. But since I don’t have that in mind----“

“What is that you don’t have in mind?”

“Being hit at.”

“Why?”

“Why what? And why are you asking me questions? You are suppose to answer mine.” Yes, he knew exactly a defense mechanism when he sees one. And this girl, right in front of him is exhibiting a great deal protecting her ego.  “So, what is your motive?”

“I want you. For the longest time, when you were first introduced to me, after we kissed, I wanted you. I wanted you then and I wanted you more now.”

 

Nikolai used his van to stuff everyone into it. She was thankful that she was not forced to be in a small car with just the two of them. After they have talked, she forced herself to shut up. She found her questions stupid that could lead her into further confusion and trouble. I want you. For the longest time, when you were first introduced to me, after we kissed, I wanted you. I wanted you then and I wanted you more now. His words played again and again inside her mind like a mantra of a fervent worshiper. She was not sure if it has any sexual connotation or it was just the basic I- want- to- be- with- you- speech.

But thankfully, her friends came back on time to prevent him from pursuing a deeper subject. She has self-esteem issues, trust issues and hundred more issues that could send Koi into oblivion if he got involve with her. He surely deserves someone better.

But fate was good to him that all their companions demanded to be brought home first. She was the last one in his van. She could not bring herself to speak, let alone breath. Thanks to the soft hum of his CD player, it was not a deafening silent that presided over their journey.

At last, they have arrived in her dormitory. He stopped the van and kept the silence between them. When he could not finally hold himself, he turned towards her and said, “You know, if this is just an ordinary date, this is the time when I would lean over…” he did lean closer to her, she did not dare flinch with their nearness, it was most disturbing. Even for him, he prayed that his heart was not as loud as he feels it. “And kiss you…” he said truthfully. “And of course, “ he moved away giving her back the comfort space that the both of them needed, “You would have to kiss me back because I am such a good and well-behaved date.”

Niki, finally out of her uncomfortable air, looked at him unbelievably and stifled a laugh, “Really now?”

He smiled sheepishly and carefully took her hand carefully, “But this is not an ordinary date, and you are not an ordinary girl. I would not settle for a short-term affair with you. The first time I saw you when we were still in our teens, I know you are worth more than that.”

She felt there was a large lump on her throat and his words wanted to make her cry. For years, she felt unwanted and unloved. Belonging to a relationship that made her so insecure and had her esteem plummet into space, make her wonder if someone will still be able to love her after getting out of the relationship. Deep inside her, she is a broken person whose idea of love is crushed by a person she trusted the most.

She took his hands from his, “And this is the time when I would say thank you and goodnight.”

He sadly looked at her stepping out of his van, no kiss?

 

All of them were once again out with Doc Koi. She wonders how long these charades last bringing all of the staff of in her station. But she found it charming that he was able to abide to their agreement. It was clear, ALMOST that he wanted to be with her.  

Anika tried to hold her tongue. After all, she knew what the answer will be. No surprises when it comes to that. But somehow, a sparkle of hope rise in her that maybe this time, the answer will be different.

“Pierre, my friends and I are going to out of town. They are bringing their boyfriends with them.” She swallowed hard before she continued, she could sense him tensed, “Will you like to go with us?”

“Where?”

The moment she said the place she knew, deep in her that it would be no. She privately braced herself for the answer. To prepare her for the disappointment and the pain that she was about to feel.

“No. I can’t”

Niki bit her lips to keep it from trembling. She knew it. The place was owned by one of his ex’s friends. Obviously, he didn’t want to be seen with her. It has been almost a year that they have been going out, why in the world did he still keep her away from the public’s eyes? Almost all of their dates were spent in this particular hotel room – without clothes on. She wanted to have a real date, even for her birthday. She wanted to dress up, to put make up on and to be frantic if her friends would tell her that the shoes didn’t match. She asked herself again, why did she settle for this?

“I wonder where did Niki go?” She snapped out of her memoirs as soon as she heard the concern from Nikolai’s voice. They were currently sitting on the sand, supposedly watching her friends walking on the beach. Koi treated them out to dinner and drinking in one of the local beaches, the one that is nearest to the hospital. The beach wasn’t that good but the food was definitely worth the 45-minute ride.  “Are you okay?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure?”

“Why do you agree that we go out in groups? You must have spent a fortune with us. You do have a choice not to go out with me and find someone that you can be able to go out with alone.”

“What for? I have the best someone in town.” He carefully took her hand and kissed her knuckles softly, “You are worth it, Niki that I want you to know.”

The gesture was sweet and it was sincere. She could feel it deep inside, and for a while, it scared her. How can someone as nice as this guy fall in love with a broken person? She has nothing to offer. She gave all to Pierre and left nothing to herself but a broken heart, and a wounded soul. He did not deserve any of it. She did not deserve him as Pierre did not deserve her.

“Doc!” A group of men and women approached their table, she wanted to pull her hands away but he held it tightly.

He grinned, “What are you all doing here?”

“Got bored at the conference, we decided to have our dinner here.” One of the guys answered. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m spending time with the most special person in the world.…” he said that while staring at her intently, as if they were alone instead of the people that were surrounding them.

“He’s smitten.” A girl’s voice came out teasing.

Everyone else laughed, “I guess that’s the sign that we need to back out and leave these two their privacy.”

Her gaze widened with surprise, “Why did you do that?”

“Do what?” he asked innocently, still holding her hands.

“Sent them away?”

“What’s wrong with that? They’re really not my friends. Just some acquaintances, if they are my friends, I would let them stay so that they could build my character up.” His brows danced up and down in mischief.

“And them?”

“They’d crucify me and you may want to help them after they tell stories about my affairs in their own point of view.”

“That would be fun!” she kid, trying to pull her fingers away from his grasp, but he wouldn’t let her. It was disarming for someone to hold her hand so comfortably tight. The walls she built was starting to fade away and she didn’t like it one bit.

 

“They thought I wouldn’t notice.” Niki mumbled. It was her day off, and once again they invited everyone for a group date, and after some time, one by one, all their companions slipped off and left the two of them behind.

“Hmmm?” Nikolai was busy ogling at her feet. He was tired, she noticed. They had been roaming the shoe department for nearly an hour and she had been trying on different pairs and no single complain did she hear from this guy.

“They left us alone.” Exasperation echoed in her voice. Koi didn’t hide his grin, “Again!”

“I don’t mind.” He took her hand and held them again. The gesture hasn’t bothered her as it had been the first time he did it. He seems to be fond of holding her everywhere, whenever it is possible, except at workplace, which of course, she totally understands. She would not want tongues wagering because of them.

“Oh my Gaahd! Koi!” She glanced at the direction from where the voice came from. Niki’s eyes widened when she saw a tall, sophisticated and beautiful woman that made her want to shrink in insecurity. She walked passed beside her, kissed both Koi’s cheeks and enveloped him in a hug.

Oh close. Niki subtly tried to free her hands but his grip just grew tighter. “Tash!” He rewarded her with his charming grin which made her frown even more. “It’s so nice seeing you. When did you arrive?”

“Two days ago! I went to your house, your father told me you are working here. So anyway, since I planned to have a vacation here, I was hoping to bump into you and maybe we could have dinner together?”

He smiled and pulled Niki closer to his side, “I’m sorry Tash. I’m quite busy and any free time I have, I spend it with her. Baby, Dr. Natasha Uy. Tash, this is Anika Antonio, my future girlfriend.” And yes, that left both their (Tash and hers) jaw dropped.

It was her who recovered first and offered a tentative smile, “Hi.”

Tash smiled as well but didn’t reach her eyes, “It was nice meeting both of you. Anyway, I need to go. I need to shop stuffs for my friends.” She immediately turned and made her way.

“Who is she?”

“My ex-girlfriend.”

“What happened?”

“Happened where?”

“To the two of you?”

“Irreconcilable differences.”

“How long have you been together?”

“Seven years.”

Koi was answering the question in a nonchalantly. As if Tash did not matter to him anymore. But why is that little voice inside her head still nagging her? And why does she care? After all, she promised herself she would not engage in another relationship. Not now.

 

Niki was silent after the Tasha incident and Koi does not like it one bit, although he was still holding her hand which barely gave him a relief. What in the world is wrong? Why is it that women like to keep their mouths shut in situations like this? Why can’t they just tell you the mistake you did instead of guessing and ending up enumerating mistakes she never knew?

“Can I ask you something?” Praise the Lord. At last she spoke.

“Anything.” As long as you talk to me!!!

She was still busy choosing among the shoes in front of her, “For instance you like this shoes,” She took a red 3-inch high-heeled shoe from the rack, “but since your budget could not afford it, you settle for something cheaper, like this one.” She got the black doll shoe out of the rack and tried it on her feet. “It’s quite nice and also fits your feet nicely. But of course, you prefer this one better only that you didn’t have any money. But what if there was a sale and finally the shoe you wanted became cheaper? Would you still want it?”

He perfectly understood what she meant, “Why should I? If the cheaper one feels good on my feet, what more can I ask for? What about you, Niki?” he turned the tables on her, he was also perfectly capable of analogy, “What if the shoes you have always worn suddenly made your feet ache every time you wear it? Would you still keep it? After all, it is your favorite shoes. What if by any chance, while on shopping you found a new pair of shoes that is much more durable, and comfortable to wear? It would probably comfortable for a lifetime though it’s worn out.”  It took a while before they could both digest their analogies; still Niki was not uttering a single reply with what he just said.

Two minutes later, she drew in a deep breath and stared at him, “Tash is a stunner, isn’t she?”

“No.”

Surprised, she replied, “Don’t be absurd! The girl is so beautiful!”

Turning his head, he met her gaze, “Not to me.” He smiled softly knowing the probable reason of the silent treatment he was receiving. “She, and all the others, came before you. They no longer matter to me.”

His heart-felt monologue was rewarded by the sweetest smile she ever cast him. But despite that, despite the silent permission of holding her hand, he knew there was something else that he could not put his finger into. It’s those instances which he will catch her staring at him, or past by him. He wished to ask Lizzie, he did, but he couldn’t get an answer.  All her friend would say is that he should ask Niki himself. But what question to ask that would not drive her away?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yes, use therapeutic communication. Maybe it will work on her.

That disrupted her thoughts and instantly turned to him, “Huh?”

“About thoughts that’s bothering you, the one that forbids you to accept me.”

“Is there such thoughts?”

“You tell me.”

One look and he could tell right away she couldn’t. Not yet.

 

Nikki’s friends came to visit. She’s not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing for them to show up at her doorstep, on her day off and told her that they miss her.

“I have a conference.” Lizzie was sitting comfortably in the couch, munching peanuts, “So I asked the girls if they want to come with me.”

“We miss you Nikki. It has been a while since we saw you. Facebook is so not enough” Kea seconded.

Her brow rose, “I really wish I could believe you guys. But I have this feeling you are not telling me something.”

Her three friends had these guilty expressions in their faces that made her heartbeat quickened. “What is wrong?”

“Tell her!”  They have been passing glances since they have arrived and it had been stirring her nerves. What in the world is wrong with her friends?

“What are you not telling me?” She wanted to kick them all in the ass for tormenting her. “Come on guys! You are killing me here.”

“Why don’t we go out first?” Kea suggested. “We can talk about it while we are eating pizza or whatever food you can offer us. We are so dying to go around!”

And I am so dying to throttle you. The idea seemed to relieve her friends from unveiling whatever secrets there was to unveil.

Too much with unveiling, her friends made sure she was having a grand time of her life when they went around town, they ate to the point of sin and rarely sat down. They were very guarded of the topics they wished to talk about and tried to make the mood lighter though there was tension in the air. Of what nature, she was not sure. She could feel an impending doom.

The ‘doom’ started when she wanted to have coffee at her favorite café. She stopped at the door, and stared at the person who is coming out of the door, shit! Don’t you dare swoon! “Is this what you were trying to tell me?”

Her friends halted in front of her, dumbfounded.

“Hi Nikki.” The voice sent shiver to her spine. It was like a nightmare that she was willing to do, almost anything, anything desperate just to wake up. It was Pierre, IN THE FLESH.

No. She was not going to make a scene. Why give him that satisfaction? What she needs right now is escape and think about what is happening. And she knew the perfect place to go to.

 

“Oh my god!” Koi got out of his car and ran towards Nikki, who was currently sitting in front of his gate, rubbing her eyes. She looked lost. “How long have you been here?” He helped her stand up.

“What time is it?” She asked.

“It’s past two in the morning. What are you doing here? You could have gone to the hospital or texted me at least.” He was worried, very much worried. Why in the world is she here at an unholy hour? “Is there something wrong?”

“Can we go inside? I think the mosquitoes are already full.”

He opened the gates and let her in, and then went back to park his car. Indeed, he was too tired not to go to sleep. He had been up since yesterday afternoon and stood in front of the operating table for twelve hours enduring all the shitty remarks of the surgeon. But seeing her, sitting down in front of his house, bracing herself for comfort made his heart ache. There must be something wrong.

Koi opened the door to his two-bedroom apartment and let her in. “Did you have dinner?”

She shook her head and sat on the sofa.

“Sit down, ok? I am going to cook something for you.” He made a tuna sandwich out of what he could grab first. He was not that hungry, but he was quite sure that she is. “Here.” Koi placed the tray where he placed the tuna sandwich and a glass of OJ in front of her. “Please eat and tell me what’s wrong.”

Nikki slowly ate the food and look at him, “The lunches and dinner you sent me, you cooked them?”

“Yes, I cook, remember?”

“They’re really good.”

“Thanks.” He let her finish her food and asked again, “What is wrong?”

“Can I kiss you?”

His jaw dropped in surprise. Where in the world did that came from? If he’d known a tuna sandwich would entice her to do just that, he would have made a truck of it eons ago.

“Did you hear me?”

He couldn’t find his voice. Damn. Damn. Damn. Her face flushed and she stood up from the sofa, fixed her coat and tried to go, but he caught her arm fast, she fell into his lap. His heart was beating wildly against his chest. He was painfully nervous, as if this was his first. “I heard you.” He whispered as he cross the space between them. It seemed eternity before his trembling lips touched hers. “Loud and clear.” He murmured against her lips. He pushed aside the question of her presence, and all other doubts that had troubled his mind when he saw her on his doorstep. What matters is, she’s now in his arms undoubtedly willing. Too willing, not that he doesn’t mind. God, he loves how she feels in his arms. “What are you doing?” he asked dumbly when he notice she was starting to unbutton his shirt.

“You’re so bright, figure it out“ She whispered as she nibbled his ears. He tried so hard to gain control, to stop her from devouring him. But she smelled and felt so good that it would be much more of a sin to let go of her. “Let’s get rid of the shirt. It smells like the hospital.” He chuckled and obeyed her command. He was her slave for tonight and if he gets lucky, for life. He’ll be making sure of the latter.

***

Koi could not believe it. He could neither define nor decipher the emotions that were playing inside his heart. Nikki is lying on his arms. This is heaven – if this is what is waiting for him every day for the rest of his life, he would be happy go home rather than stay in the hospital.

Nikki turned to face him and place a chaste kiss on his lips, “Way better than our first kiss.”

“I’m glad you think so.” So, so worth it.

Her expression turned serious and stared at him intently, “What was the greatest mistake you did?”

Koi stiffened at the quest that was innocently thrown at him. Mistakes? A lot. but no one, except for his sister knew that a certain mistake from his past was still hunting him until now. The thought would grip his conscience and break it into pieces. He let no one know his inner struggle to appear that the situation meant nothing to him, when in fact it did. The situation turned his life upside down. He gave up making amends long time ago. The feeling that everything will not be the same as they used to be had left him a wound that still bled every time someone opened the subject.

“Did you know that when I was in med school, I have topped every single examination there is? I was leading our class since freshmen year and yet I didn’t march with our class. I was almost expelled if not for the fact that the dean of the college was my godfather and our family’s dearest friend.” He smiled bitterly.

“I tried to forge a doctor’s signature. It was a desperate act on my part. I knew it was wrong but at that time I don’t think I have any other choice if I wanted to graduate together with my batch mates. Can you imagine the class valedictorian unable to march because a doctor would not sign his clearance?.” Koi looked at her, tried to see if she’d already passed a judgment of him, but none. Nikki was still looking at him impassively. Attentively listening of what he was going to say next. “We were caught actually. About five of us. After the class graduation pictorial, we were called in the dean’s office and he told us we could not march in the commencement exercise and we were on the brink of expulsion days before the graduation. I could not bring myself to tell my family, especially my mom. She had been so lenient towards me, spoiled me to sin. I could not just come to her and tell her that I could not graduate and that I may be expelled.” He could remember that night so vividly.

~~o~~

He found himself on his way to the master’s bedroom. His mother was nowhere in sight because she had an emergency operation which would take ages before it’s through, something that he was thankful for. He really didn’t know why he could not talk to his mother first. After all, she was closest to him.

“Papa.” He called. No one answered so let himself in. He saw his father cross-sitting on the floor near their walk-in closet polishing his shoes. The sight fascinated him. The great doctor and entrepreneur is brushing his black leather shoes. He was whistling a happy tune that will unfortunately cease after he learnt of what his son had done.

“Papa.” He called again. Though his voice distracted him, it did not cease his current activity. With a shoe and brush still in his hand, he motioned him to sit beside him. It was quite awkward. His head began to hammer and his conscience was desperately annoying him. How will he tell his father? Where would he start?

“I’m so proud of you, Koi.”

God. He wanted to cry like a baby. How can he break his father’s heart?

“But you know I have always been. You have grown to be a responsible and intelligent young man. I know you did not want to be a doctor at all…”

He knew? How?

“Yet you tried and frankly, it surprised me that you topped your class since you enter med school. For someone who didn’t have the heart for medicine, that is a big shock.”

Koi closed his eyes firmly and said, “I can’t graduate, Pa.”

There was an air of tension in the room as his father silenced and gently put down the things that he had been holding. For a while, he thought he saw pain – not disappointment- but pain in his eyes. But it was almost gone in an instance.

Koi tried to explain to his father every detail that he could remember. He did not leave any stone unturned, stopping every now and then to see if his father was following him. Honesty, he then knew was vital in salvaging what trust and his father left of him.

His father’s expression was totally blank as he looked at his son trying to rationalize and defend his side of the events.

“So we won’t be attending any graduation ceremonies at all?” he said softly, telling him as if they were only to miss an unimportant party.

Koi shook his head, “I am sorry for disappointing you, papa.”

The old man smiled sadly, “Go back to your room and sleep early. We will go to the dean’s office tomorrow morning. I’ll talk to your mother tonight.”

Koi finally stood and walked towards the door. Just when he’s about to reach for the knob, he turned back and saw his father carefully placing the shiny leather shoes back to the shelf and sighed deeply.

A tear fell off his cheeks. The pain that he caused his father and the unconditional support he gave him despite what he did was enough to haunt him in this lifetime  and for him never to forgive himself

~~0~~

If his father was positively calm about the whole situation – his mother, the one who loved him the most was not. She was hysterically angry at him and nagged him about how disappointed she was of him. He chose not to defend himself and let his mother rumble knowing that this was his fault and it was just a normal response. His mother had the right to be disappointed. All her hurtful words are the result of him breaking her trust and her heart.

His father had settled with the dean and came up with a compromise. He still didn’t graduate with the back but got his honorable dismissal without the good moral certificate. After he acquired all the necessary documents possible, he left home and went on his way. Five years, he still didn’t have the guts to come back home.

 

 Nikki held him closer and placed her head on his chest, a sign that she understood. She saw the pain in his eyes and wished she could do something about it. Explanations why she had not been introduced to the family were finally coming to light. She shoved all buts aside.

“And you Nikki, what is the greatest mistake you did?”

“I fell in love with the wrong guy.” She replied softly after a while. His arms tighten around her, “Lizzie, I know hasn’t told you the whole story yet or even a part of it. Perhaps all she told you was that somebody broke my heart. But no, it was not just my heart, he broke me apart.” She smiled wryly, “I loved him. I gave him everything I can ever imagine I can give to someone. I gave him all of me in good faith, with both my eyes closed. I really never expected anything in return except that he’d at least try to love me as I deserved to be love. He simply took and took and took and did not bother to see if I had anything left.”

She had a problem with trust since Pierre. Yet, being this close to Nikolai, sharing this level of intimacy with him and baring her soul to him seemed right. She had not found such comfort as that he has given her in his arms. The words just flow out of her mouth, unguarded and she was not sorry in telling him everything. Yes, she trusts him. But the question remains, can she trust him with her heart?

The thought that, she had given Pierre everything and she was not sure if there was anything left in her to give or if she was still willing to risk it all. Surely, Koi did not deserve a broken soul like her. The feelings he let her feel was far stronger and powerful. It scared her, she was not sure if all of this is work the risk. She was not that confident to once again indulge herself in the emotion that once gave her the most pain.

~~0~~

Nikolai moved and rested his weight on his elbow as he stared at her, the girl who had held his heart for the longest time. Telling himself how lucky he is she was now in his arms, gave him what she could spare for him. Something that he did not ask, but is still thankful for.

“What?” color rose in her cheeks when he didn’t stop staring.

He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her softly, “I will never hurt you. I will always be here for you.” A promise he made that he intended to keep no matter what the outcome of their situation might be.

 

“What in the world are we doing here?” Lizzie’s brows formed a bridge when they entered a vast jewelry shop on the biggest mall in town. He knew she was already suspicious when he dragged her out of their convention.

This was his mother’s favorite store in the city and even when he was in med school, he would accompany her there to buy some jewelry for her collection. His mother didn’t have any luxuries in life besides these expensive trinkets, so his father would indulge her. His mother had taught him how to look at the jewel, determine the value and flawlessness of the stones. What was not taught to him is the vitality of choosing the right kind of trinket for someone who had claimed his heart.

They reached that small room he was looking for, “Oh my God!” he hear his friend gasp, “You are out of your mind!”

Oh well. Maybe he is. A little.

But it has been two years (he lasted that long!) since they had been going out and considering that they were already exclusive, and plus of course what happened last night, isn’t it the right time to somehow elevate their relationship into a higher level?

The whole room is filled with jewels – RINGS actually that could make a lady swoon with delight. There were several glass cabinets probably equipped with security features that are strategically situated around the small room. There were precious stones to diamonds that silently demands to be out of their glass chambers and be slipped into one’s fingers.

“Koi, what are we doing here?” the demand for explanation is unavoidable, but he did not know where he would start, especially when he is still in doubt whether he is making a right decision or not. “Please do not tell me you are going to buy her a ring because I am going to break that glass using your head.” Then a sudden realization set in, “Oh my gaaahhd, Koi! You slept with her!”

He froze in place and glanced at Lizzie guiltily. She didn’t have to announce it on a mega phone, you know. “I cannot believe you, you of all people!”

Koi rushed quickly towards her to hush her up, they were starting to get attention from everyone. “I love her, Lizzie. I could not imagine my life with someone else.”

Lizzie looked like she was going to throw up, then she finally calmed down and looked at him, “Can we talk first and then you can decide after?”

They ended up in a chic restaurant, where the diners have their semi-private cubicles. It was quite expensive for his taste but he didn’t dare voice it out because he was dying to buy that ring and just get this over with.

“Did you know Nikki saw Pierre yesterday?” Lizzie relayed her information as softly as possible. But a blow- soft or otherwise is still a blow.  The magic that he experienced last night felt like fake. He wonders if what happened between them yesterday was premeditated. Did she jump into bed with him to be sure that she feels nothing for Pierre anymore? The final question is: DID SHE USE HIM? He stopped thinking. He didn’t want to think anymore so he played with the drinking straw and watch the swishing of the ice blocks in his P250-worth ice tea.

“What did she do?”

“Ran away.”

To me. She waited in front of my house for god-knows how many hours. “And?”

“Well, I haven’t heard anything yet. But she did not show up since yesterday evening. Our friends will update me if she showed up.”

What now?

“Will you still buy that ring without talking to her first?”

“What do you want to hear, Lizzie?”

“Logic? You are a very good friend, Koi. I don’t want to see you hurt. I don’t want to see Nikki made another bad decision that will send her off hill. She will be devastated if she realized that she may be using you to get over Pierre.”

Her words kept him silent. He found himself in deep thought and confusion. Granting that she would not sleep with just anyone, would it be possible that she was ‘unconsciously’ using him to check if she still has feelings for Pierre? No. That is totally rude and beyond inhumane. After all, he is a good person and care to think of it, he did not deserve to be used. But maybe, he is not a passing fancy. Maybe she really cared for him after all. The maybes were running amok inside his mind. “Do you want to hear something stupid, Lizzie?”

Elizabeth sighed in exasperation. Silently asking, Do I have a choice?

“I’m still going to buy a ring.”

 

This is wrong. Nikki told herself over and over again. What in the world came into her mind to allow this guy to lure her into this place again? Probably, it was her fault. She should’ve said no! Why didn’t she? Because you wanted a proper ‘closure’, you wanted to be sure you have no feelings left for this guy. Looking at him sitting on the bed, she wondered what made her fell in love with him. He may not look like he’s a god’s gift to women but he has oozing sex appeal. He’s tall and he has a body of a gym buff. He doesn’t look vain, but vanity would rank first among his mortal sins if not fornication.

Nikki could not find anything wrong with him when they were together, but now, flaws seem to appear in every cell of his body. “Can we just get this over with?” she asked impatiently.

Pierre’s brows rose, “I never thought of you as impatient.” He came nearer to the couch and sat beside her without an invitation, so like him. When he placed his arms on the back of her seat, she shivered. Not with anticipation but of hesitation. She wanted to go. Now.

“What do you want, Pierre?” she moved a little farther from him, nearness is not making her comfortable anymore.

“I want you back.” He told her straight. As if he did not do anything bad to her. Didn’t he know that he was the primary reason why she is not home? She got tired of being melodramatic and his abuses. That’s why she chose to move on, right?

“Why? It has been two years, Pierre.” She reminded him. Why decide to win her back now? Why not two years ago when she was too eager to go back in his arms no matter what the consequences are. Oh, she waited a very long time for him to realize his mistakes. Even that was a bad idea, she knew Pierre. He will give in to her whims and do everything all over again. The cycle is so traumatic that she decided to break it before she loses all of her in it.

He looked convincing, but Pierre is a good actor. He would do everything to get what he wants. “I never realized that I need you, Nikki. Not until you left. Oh, I wanted to try badly the single life that I was missing but I never really enjoyed it. I went to your house, but your mother would not let me in. Your friends banned me from their homes as well.” Her jaws dropped, he never really went out with her friends when they were together. He knew them for her stories, but never took interest in meeting the people that are important to her. “You can ask them if you like. I even bother them in their workplaces. I wanted to find you. Badly.”

“Why just now, if you wanted to find me BADLY?” sarcasm filled her question.

“I never knew where you were until I saw one of your friends and while talking she slipped telling me your whereabouts.”

Who among them? She didn’t need to know. What important is for them to leave this place immediately before anyone would see them. First, she needs to clarify some things. Things that she wanted to tell this person for a long time, “You suck in bed.” His eyes widened in shock. Good. It will keep him still for a while. “You see, Pierre. I am long over you. This is not just one of my dramas, that when we get out of this door, I am going to text you and tell you everything is fine between us. No. Nothing is fine between us. We are not going to be friends, not in a long time. Because what you did to me is unimaginable. What I am doing to you know is just right.” She was speaking very slow, meaning every word, wanting him to understand that this time, it is really real. Not just a ploy to salvage her pride, but she wanted it to happen. Funny, she could bring herself to cry even if she wanted to. There were no more tears left for this man. “I don’t want you in my life anymore. Not after what you did to me back then. I won’t listen to any of your promises, because I am through with it. If I am really important to you, and you are not the man you were back then, leave me in peace. Because I am finally falling in love with the right one.” She smiled wryly, “Please don’t ruin it for me. I, at least, deserve this.” Wow. If Pierre was stunned of her monologue, she was aghast. Finally, she said the things that she wanted herself to hear for the longest time, an affirmation of moving on. FOR REAL.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Perfect! “Just tell me that we are going home right now and that you are happy for me.” She smiled but she lost it when she looked around the room. She remembered the things they do that she was never proud. But, no time for nostalgia. She holds the present and she doesn’t him in it. He, along with the good or bad memories belongs and should stay in her past. No more holding on and regrets.

He looked resigned, “You really mean it.”

“Yes!”

She had never seen Pierre grasping for words, “Wow. I never really see you this determined to get rid of me.” He smiled sadly and added, “I wished I came sooner.”

She stood from the couch and turned towards the door, “Time to go, Pierre.”

He paid for the room and they entered his car silently. And of all blasted days, when they were on the exit, a very familiar pick-up truck stopped right in front of them. She gasped in surprise and forgot to breathe when their gazes locked. It was Nikolai.

At this moment, when all she wanted to do was to get out of Pierre’s car and rush into Koi’s arm to explain, she silently vowed to crawl through a burning fire to erase the pain that is in his eyes.

 

Nikki had no idea what came after. All was a blur to her. It seemed that her feet were floating from the ground and her heart hanging in the balance. She remembered her friends, especially Elizabeth being angry at her but the words were unclear – all she could think about was Nikolai. She wanted to talk to him, to explain what really happened. How? How can someone save herself when caught red handed?

The next thing she knew, Koi was in their station, inviting all of them for his farewell party. He was leaving the hospital soon after his graduation from the residency training. Koi never came near her after the incident. Everyone isn’t blind not to notice what was happening. It was good that no one is brave enough to mention. He may come to their station when he’s paged, but he virtually stayed away. He did not demand for an explanation, he made it to a point that they never crossed paths, not unless it was because of a patient. He was being painfully polite towards her. Avoiding her is an understatement. Even as he invites everyone to his party, he could not bring himself to look at her.

Everyone immediately sense the sudden tension between the two of them. It was visible that they had a falling out – no one asked for the reason why – if they did, she would not have any friends left for ‘betraying’ the good doctor.

If she could just bring him to talk to her so that she can explain.

There was only one thing left to do – something that she would never ever tried in a normal circumstance. None of her circumstances are normal, is it? Might as well try every possible option than regret she didn’t do anything in the future.

Her heartbeat quickened when she reached the doctors’ quarters. His friends were too tired of trying to put up to his mood swings. They were kind enough to betray his whereabouts in exchange for some nurse’s mobile numbers. The doctors assure her he would be left alone for at least two hours, so whatever she was planning should be accomplished within the time period. There was neither place nor time for hesitation.

“Koi…”

“What are you doing here?” he was sitting on his bed and reading a book.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

His lips formed a smirk, “There’s no need actually. If you come to offer friendship or anything of that sort- save it. We would not be friends tomorrow. I don’t want to be your friend – not anymore.”

She didn’t know the extent of his hurt until now. What did she do to him? She may not see the expression in his eyes because he was still pretending to read, but the pain was becoming his aura. A step in his personal space and you can grasp the compelling emotion that was surrounding him and as much as she broke his heart, this was breaking hers.

 

                Nikolai could not bring himself to look at her. He was disgusted with himself for wanting to be close to her still. She chose Pierre, right? She didn’t want him from the very start. He did not use his intelligence and kept himself blinded of his love. He really thought he had her after years of wooing her. She could have just said that she did not want him at all and he’d understand. Nikki did not have to lure him into her deceptions and break his heart. Damn! He did not deserve any of this.

He had loved her with his very soul. For the longest time, he had wanted no one but her. The moment that they spend together was his happiest. It was incomparable and he thought it was enough. He loved her in immense proportion that was beyond explanation.

She is the breath of fresh air in his stressful environment, his sunshine in the rain, the moon that lit up the darkness in his night skies. No metaphor could ever compare the way he feels about her. He wanted nothing more but her happiness, even it may cause him severe pain.

On the other hand, things were just not the same, there are several to be consider. She considered it well enough to come up with the decision that was so vague that drove him to the edge. He had been patient, understanding (though he could not simply name what they share), and loving her unconditionally. He did not push things she did not want and he waited. He waited everyday of his life for her to open her heart to him.

“I am sorry.” Wow, it sounded like the some old president who said sorry after being caught of cheating.

“What for?” he was good in being nonchalant about everything. But he could not bring himself to look at her because it will be his downfall. He could not bear to see her cry, it would just melt his defenses no matter how fake her tears may be.

“Damn it Koi! You don’t need to be cool about this. I know you are mad at me. You don’t return my calls, you avoided me like a plague, and you keep on treating me as if I’m a stranger. Don’t do this to me!”

That is when he looked at her, bad move, his heart skipped at beat seeing her all red with a mix of anger and frustration. “How do you want me to treat you? Like a princess? Could you blame me for being angry with you? How could you bare to fuck another guy after you just fucked me yesterday? Was I not enough?”

Her palm hit his cheeks and he didn’t feel anything at the impact. “Don’t make it sound so cheap Nikolai!”

“What do you expect, Nikki? I saw you going out of the motel with him! Not even 24 hours after we fucked. Can you imagine the pain I felt? I trusted you! I waited! I did not rush you! I did not complain! You can tell me you did not want me, I’d be a gentleman and accept it!” his breathing got heavier and so is his heart. He need not to show how vulnerable she could make him feel. “I could just not accept you made a fool out of me. I was good to you, Nikki.”

“I’m sorry.”

He had enough hearing how sorry she is, “Why did you even jump into my bed? Did you miss fucking that much?” It’s a stupid idea to ask questions whose answers you’re afraid to hear.

“You don’t know what I have been through to judge me!”

“I know enough!” he replied harshly. “I know that you just threw away something that could have been the best part of your life. I know that you are too scared to take the risk. I know that you don’t trust me enough. You have trust issues because of that asshole and I will not atone for the sins I have not done or sins I have no intentions of doing! I cannot be with a woman who doesn’t trust and whom I cannot trust.” he turned towards the door, never dared to look back and left clutching his broken heart in his hands.

 

“Where can I find Anika?” Nikki looked at the person who asked for her. She has no idea who the lady is, although she looks quite familiar.

“I am Anika, Doc.” She assumed she was a doctor since she is wearing a white blazer.

“Oh hi.” Her smile widened and she offered her hands, “I am Dr. Katerina Yelena Castillo-Gomez.”

His sister! Since good manners called for it, she caught her palm for a courtesy handshake. She appeared polite when all she wanted was to rush out of the station and hide from her. She looked harmless though. “What can I do for you doc?”

“I just want to invite you to have lunch with me. I am returning home in a couple of hours. I just finished speaking to a lecture here.” It sounded a request, “Please? It would really do me a favor.”

How can she say no to one of the best doctor in the country? Just tell her no! She’s going to eat you alive if you will agree to have that lunch. After what you did to her brother, you expect her to be kind?

“Okay.” did I just sign my death sentence?

Anika was wary. She could not concentrate on her food. Perhaps it was too expensive for her taste or the person in front of her seems to be too kind to her. “Eat, dear. The food has no poison.” She smiled warmly at her.

Aw gaahd! My conscience will leave nothing of me if she keeps on being kind! “Can you please tell me why you invited me for lunch? Because until then, I could not really eat.” She tried not to sound rude, just a little bit frank because she really could not bear the butterflies that was flying all over her stomach.

Katerina placed her utensils on the side, “We have a very big restaurant back at home, and when we were little Nikolai would go to the kitchen and watch the chef cook. It fascinated him. He begged the cook to teach him. Mom got alarmed when she noticed how serious Koi was in his cooking. After all, it would be odd if he would not take medicine, right? I mean, our parents are both good doctors, I was taking medicine and he’ll be what? A cook? So basically, mom forced him to take medicine. He could say no, but he loved mom so much that he had himself forced. Although occasionally he would cook every now and then for us, did you taste any of it?”

“Yes.” She could not forget those moments when he would find time to cook for her lunch or dinner and just send it to the station. At first, she thought he bought those from a nearby restaurant because it tasted so good until the time that he had cook for her at his house.

“I figure it out. Did you know he never cooked for anyone but his family?”  

She shook her head. Nikki thought he would cook for anyone. He even cooked enough for all of them.

“But you were different, Nikki. I knew your name since he was in med school and I have been hearing it more these past year or so. He nursed what he felt for you for a very long time. It made him so happy that the two of you cross paths here and that you were free.” Katerina’s voice was void of judgment. There was no accusation in it. Did she really mean to be her friend? “You gave him the most happiness, and sad to say, pain.” She smiled sadly and took her hand, “I do not really have the right to ask you what made him leave town. I just want to ask one thing…”

Nikki unconsciously held her breath. The concern that Katerina has for Nikolai was excusable. She was thankful at least the woman respected her privacy and didn’t force her to reveal what really happened, because if she does, Katerina wouldn’t be this kind to her.

“Do you love Nikolai?”

The questioned startled her. She never really thought of loving again at this rate. Of course, she cared a lot about Koi. She didn’t want to hurt him because he’d been kind to her. But what really made her jump into his bed and allowed herself to be with Pierre the following day? Is she really that heartless? Did she use Koi to check if she still has feelings for Pierre? Yet nothing happened with Pierre because she could not bear to be near the person. There was a feeling of being uncomfortable that was never there when she was with him. She was no longer the person who was head over hills in love with Pierre. All she could ever think about while the two of them were inside that room was Nikolai.

“I see you are not so sure.” She said after the long pause, Katerina slouched on the seat and bit her lip, “I don’t want to force you into doing something, but can I just ask a favor?”

The words sounded kind, but deep inside, she knew that what she was going to ask will break her heart even more. “What favor?”

“Give him time. He waited for you for years. Wait for him to sort this out. And the old cliché goes, if you are meant to be, fate will move heaven and earth for the both of you to be together again.”

She did not trust herself to speak, so she kept her mouth shut. His sister had a point, but time? Time had allowed her to forget Pierre. What if it will do the same thing with Koi? What if he will forget her as well? Couldn’t she at least try to explain herself again?

And just like a fortune teller, Katerina answered her unspoken question, “Don’t rub more salt to the wound, Nikki. Time will allow the both of you to grow. Time will make sure of what you feel for him.”

It sounded like she had no choice, right? But she has, she could go back home, she was sure Koi is right now. Then what?  He will just shove her away like what he did. Maybe Katerina is right, they needed time.

“Can you do that, Nikki?”

“I…I think so.”

She saw the relief that marked the lady’s face, “I want you to meet someone.”

She already wanted me to date someone else? She was about to voice her thoughts when she saw who was walking towards them. Her mouth dropped in surprise.

“This is Dr. Margarita Fernando-Castillo, our mom.”

 

Nikolai drew in an ample amount of air for his lungs. God help me. It was his first time to go home after more than five years and he could feel an impending panic attack. He decided to go to his mother’s clinic first, but was told that his mother had an out of town convention, so he found his way back to their old house.

Well, it was not old, the façade was newly renovated. He took another breath and rang the doorbell. “Hi.”

“Nikolai!” he was greeted with a warm welcome by his old nursemaid. “I missed you! It’s good you came home before I die.”

He stared at the old woman’s tearful face and cursed himself for bringing distress to her, “Die, mama? You look so healthy to me.”

“Not healthy as I used to be.” He promised himself that he will see to the old woman later and check what’s wrong. Surely, his parents did something for her. But knowing her, she would probably deny her ailments of the fear of being in the hospital and be subjected to needles.

“Where is everyone, mama?”

“Your father will be home for lunch, your mother and sister is on a vacation.” She answered, “Let me bring you to your room.” He looked around the house, the interior was almost the same, except for some new furniture. He saw the old family portrait still hanging in the living room. His pictures were still all over the house which was a surprise to him since he did think his mother would throw anything that would remind her of him.

When he reached his room, it was even more of a shock. It was the same room he left years ago. It was so clean that no one would notice it has not been occupied for years, “Your mother ordered this cleaned up every day. She waited for you to return home, Koi.”

“She actually wanted you home when she realized what she did. You needed the support that she should have given, but instead she turned her back on you.” His father’s voice came up behind him. “She wanted to go to you, but I told her you need to make a name of your own away from us, and all this shenanigans. Your mom conceded. She said she’d wait until you come home.”

His lips drew a sad smile, “But she’s not here.”

“She needed to do some things. Anyway, I am here and I am hungry. Why don’t we cook lunch?” His father led the way to the kitchen.

“I never thought I’d hear you say that, Pa.”

 

“Koi!!” Katerina ran towards him and hugged him tightly. “I miss you, you idiot!”

He and his father were sitting on the terrace, with cups of coffee in their hands when a car drove in. It bore Katerina and his mother. “We see each other every quarter.” He reminded her but it didn’t loosen her hug.

Only when their mother cleared her throat that she released him to face his mom, he stood there looking like an idiot that his sister accused him to be. He did not know what to or how to greet his mother, “Hi mom.” She looked the same person who threw him out of the house five years ago, only that he saw longing in her eyes.

Margarita’s eyes were filled with tears, “Is that the way you greet your mother after five years? Come here!”

“I am so sorry, mom.” He hugged her tightly repeating the words of apology like a mantra. He missed his mother, and the rest of his family. At times like this, when he needed every support, he was thankful he is with his family.

“No, Koi. I am sorry.”

When the apology ended, he took his mother’s arms and led her to the seat to his right. “I cooked something.”

“Pastry?” Katerina sat beside her father and took his plate for a slice of what looked like a raspberry cheesecake.

“When are you getting married?” he asked out of nowhere that caused his sister to choke, “What?!”

 She rolled her eyes, “I am not yet getting married!”

“He hadn’t proposed?”

Their father laughed, “Oh he did, a couple of times, to each of us.” Katerina’s face flushed with embarrassment. “Your mom and I told him it was okay. He could even kidnap her and just do his way with her to make her agree.”

Katerina scowled at her father, “Papa! I could not believe you suggested such a thing.”

“You have been keeping the man waiting. How old is he? 50?”

She instantly corrected him, “No! He’s 41.”

“Ancient.” Their mother muttered, “Your father and I got married when we were in med school.”

“They are trying to get rid of me Koi!” It was evident that his sister needed saving, but they were having so much fun. How long did they have been coaxing her to get hitched? Eons ago probably.

“You are almost 35, sweety. You should get married. Not just casual sex. You know the risk when you get pregnant ---“ He could feel the sudden change of mood when he mentioned the word, Katerina paled, his father stopped smiling and his mother tighten her grip on his hands, “You can’t get pregnant, Katty? Is that why you can’t marry him? Does he know about your infertility problem?” she winced at the word.

“He does.” Their father replied, “And he didn’t care. Katerina does obviously.”

“I told him I can’t marry him because I could not get pregnant.”

“Did you get yourself checked?”

His sister glared at him, “Of course! I got myself checked by almost every fertility doctors here and abroad.”

“But Harry says it’s ok.” His mother assured. He could see that both his parents are worried about Katerina.

“For now mom, it is. But in the long run, he will use it against me. He will have affairs and will bore children out of wedlock because I can’t have any.” Katerina was on her defensive mode again. He should have not started this topic. Here is a very beautiful, intelligent and successful lady having bouts of her insecurity. It’s really weird to hear his sister to be unsure of herself.

“He would not wait for almost 10 years if he’s not into you. Better make it fast before he gets bald on your wedding pictures.” Their father laughed and added seriously, “If he wanted another girl, he could have left you when you told him what your problem is and would have married someone else. He still has the ring on his pocket dear.”

It appeared that his father’s words of wisdom got his sister thinking. He clutched the ring he bought inside his pocket. He wanted to throw this away, but he could not. Instead, he still has it in his pocket, constantly taunting him of the things that could never be his.

“What are your plans, Koi?” his mother asked, desperately changing the topic. The silence was getting uncomfortable every second.

“I accepted a scholarship abroad, mom. I’ll be away for about a year or two.” His mother and sister exchanged looks that didn’t escape him. It was like they knew something he didn’t “Is there a problem?”

“No.” Katerina answered swiftly. “But why get the scholarship when you can practice here?”

“I needed to go away.” He wanted to stop the conversation before it would make him raise his defenses and be in an uncomfortable position.

“I did not raise you to be a coward, Nikolai.” Give it to his father to offer him words of comfort.

It was his time to blush, “I am not running away, papa. I am merely giving myself time to… sort out things…and when I do I will go back.”

“What if you have nothing to get back to?”

“Then things are not meant to be.”

 

3 years after.

Nikolai was in a hurry to go home. He had been sleeping badly for the past months because of his impending return to the country. It was Katerina’s fault he had to endure the three years. He could remember that day when all of them drop him off to the airport.

He was already waiting for his connecting flight when his mobile phone rang, “What’s wrong Katty?”

“I talked to Nikki.”

“What?!” his sister could sometimes give his frail heart an attack. “Why in the world did you do that?”she had a perfect timing of calling him just before his flight and there was no sure he would turn back to wring her neck.

“You were miserable. Anyway, I was with mom, so you better be angry with her as well.” She said coolly,

“What did she say?”

“Are you holding your breath?” Katerina teased.

“Are you trying to provoke me, Katerina?” he did not have a goodnight sleep, he toss and turn all night in his bed thinking about the same girl who made a fool out of him and broke his heart.

She laughed softly, “I’m getting married!”

Koi forgot what he was about to say with the announcement, “Wow!That’s great news. When?”

“The civil ceremony will be tomorrow, and the church, when you come back.” Finally, his sister saw some light. She and Harry had been together since pre-med and it would be a waste to let go of such love. Will he ever find it himself?”And Koi, she loves you.”

“What are you talking about?” he demanded. His heart was beating so loudly against his chest, “Did she tell you that because she’s sorry?”no way he was going to let his sister know that he’s dying inside to hear the answer.

“She didn’t have to, Nikolai. Mom and I just knew it.” her words were not much of an assurance, especially when they are biased to him. “Leave, Koi. Just like what I told her, if you are meant to be, then the two of you will be together again.” Before she hang the phone she said something to him that made him wanted to reconsider his scholarship, “Nothing happened inside the motel room.”

At first he was in denial, he tried dating other girls, but admittedly, they were nothing compared to her. He honestly did not believe that nothing happened, but after some months, he realized things that were blur when his anger got the hold of him. He could have come back after he heard what Katerina said, but it was too late and at that time, he was not even sure of himself if he believed her. A relationship without trust is a complete waste of time. So, he needed time to heal the wounds of his past and come back. Silently hoping that once again, they are to be given another chance, like what they had back then. Lightning does not strike on the same place twice. If she’s taken, he might as well accept defeat. But if not, it will signify a sign. A sign he was willing to utilize thoroughly.

 

“I could not believe you did this to me again!” Koi’s jetlag was overwhelming. All he wanted to do was sleep in his bed, not dragged around. Primarily, his beaming brother-in-law was the one who picked him up from the airport. He was told to hurry because he would have his fittings. Although, his sister did tell him the church wedding will be held when he return, but does that have to be that literal?

“I did not do anything wrong!” Katerina grinned as she hand him his coat, “You don’t look tired.”

He made a face, “Oh yes I do! And it doesn’t mean that you’re pregnant, I will not wring your neck.”

His sister’s face reddened, “How did you know?”

“I may not have marched with my batch, but I know what a pregnant lady looks like when I see one.” He beamed and hurry towards her for a hug, “I am so happy for you, Katty.”

Her shoulders shook, Oh god. I made her cry, “I didn’t expect Koi. I am so, so happy as well. But the risks ---“

Koi hushed her, “Let us just pray that everything will be normal. Don’t stress yourself with negative thoughts. The baby will surely go out hairless like Harry.”

“Ass!” Katerina smiled as she fixed his lapels, “You will be a handsome groom yourself, Koi.”

Before he could answer a retort, someone stepped in the door that made his heart stop, “That’s an understatement.” It was Nikki.

Nikki’s heart was thumping so fast and the butterflies inside her stomachs were doing gymnastics again. Katerina and his mother made her practice to appear cool in front of Koi, God knows she’s trying to. She’s not sure how she’s holding up, but base on Katerina’s expression, she’s doing well.

After the talk they had three years ago and Koi’s departure from the country, the three ladies had become close friends. She was welcomed by the family with open arms, something that she was thankful for. Of course, it wasn’t really complete because Koi was still mad at her, but you just have to be thankful of what is handed to you than ask for more. She went home at the advice of everyone and got herself employed in one of the local hospitals with the help of her new found family.

Nikki was helping Katerina in preparation for her wedding. Although she prepared for this day when she will see him again, she could not help but notice how much he had change. He looked more mature and surer of himself. “It’s nice to see you again, Nikolai.”

“Nikki.” He was staring at her intently, trying to rob her out of her senses with his eyes. It was hard to stop herself when all she wished to do was to flung herself to him, kiss him thoroughly and tell him how sorry she is for hurting him. Katerina must have felt she was an excess to the scene hurried off to give the both of them privacy.

Nikolai was the one who first cross the distance between them, he cupped her face and leaned closer. “Nothing happened….” “I know.” For a moment, she could not move, her lips trembling beneath his. Then, to his surprise, she crossed the remaining distance between them. There were no words needed, because deep inside the both of them, they knew that they have waited long enough to be in each other arms once again. And he knew she would not resist him, it was almost like going home. Only they were older, so the home-coming was indeed sweeter.